remember the time

january 8, 2010

as i got off the train, the air was damp, in that way that it can only be after a day of continuous rainfall. i took a deep breath, several actually, as i walked down the steps onto the street level. it was late and i momentarily wondered where i would find the energy to walk the few blocks home. i paused at the bottom. one, two more deep breaths. i held my head down as i began my walk. shadows grew and changed shape as several street lamps flickered on. i imagined several worlds taking place behind those shadows. worlds where people did extraordinary things. worlds where dreams took flight and no one ever doubted their existence. i wondered about those worlds as i continued my journey through a world that had begun to bore me. i heard others walking behind me: a mother speaking softly to the baby in a stroller; a student blasting music in his earphones, lost and drowning in the sound. others walked more quickly, with more determination, as they scurried past me. my nostrils filled with smells that made me cringe. garbage, dog shit, exhaust, life. instead of washing it all away, the rain allowed it all to linger. i felt heavy, like a plow. pushing my way through. but not with an ease. rather, with a difficulty that bordered on apathy or insouciance. i felt disengaged, carried by the current of the world, to a place that lacked vibrancy; to a place where life has no definition. i should have run. i should have cried out. i should have done anything to force that life, any life, back into me. but instead, i slowed my pace, kept my head down and continued to walk. toward that place that held neither life nor meaning to me.

wynsters the tigress